Life Throws a Devastating Curveball
If you’re a client, a friend or somebody who has been following me for a while, you’ve probably heard me say that I firmly believe we all have two lives. The second one begins when we realize we only have one.
Today, I want to talk a bit about how I came to have that belief but more than that, what for me it has meant coming to that realization and the kind of life changing effect it can have for anybody when you realize that and commit to truly making the most of it, to living in a way that in every aspect of the things we do, reflects that truth and honors that gift.
To be clear, this is my story. I’m not here to compare my life to anyone else’s, and we all face different struggles and different demons. What I hope you will take away from this, is simply to recognize that we are all unique in our struggles, but each of us has the same ability to decide to make meaningful changes in our life.
During each chapter of my early career, a lot of my success and effectiveness hinged on me trusting no-one, from expecting the person across from me was actively looking to deceive or do harm, or was at least working their own agenda and had their own ulterior motives. The only viable path to my success was to never let anybody get too close. It worked perfectly for the tasks or jobs I needed to get done, it worked to insulate against disappointment or other negative feelings and emotions. And, it worked for a wandering life with no roots, no deep connections anywhere or with anyone.
I was approaching 40, fully accepting I was past the age at which I’d want to have kids when it happened. A woman who had been a dear friend suddenly became more. She was all the things I had convinced myself were the deal-breakers and the definition of not a match for me. And yet, somehow, she was everything my heart, my soul, my most true self wanted and needed. I’d sworn I was too selfish to want kids but somehow she opened my heart wide open and I found myself falling in love with her two kids too.
For the first time in my life, I was with somebody who made me want to make plans for the future. I was with somebody who actually made the future matter.
I’ve been very physically active my entire life, from kickboxing as a young adult, to swimming, cycling and playing lacrosse all the way through college while working as a beach lifeguard. I am an avid outdoorsman, who loves competing in adventure races, paddling on the open water, and skydiving just for the fun of it.
By my 40s though, I’d let some of that active, physically fit lifestyle go. I’d occasionally go on intense bouts of getting in shape but then a job or assignment would distract me – give me excuses. At 47, I was the heaviest I’d been – 190lbs at 5’8” and it was not a healthy 190! I saw age 50 around the corner and wanted to make a change. So, I started eating healthy, went from walking a mile a day to running a few miles every day, and got back to kick-boxing 3-4 days a week. I was eating clean with a diet dominated by protein smoothies and giant salads with chicken or steak. Five months into my new regiment I’d dropped 20lbs and was feeling great.
And then, a devastating curveball came that would finally wake me up in ways nothing else could.
One morning, I felt off – like I had a stomach bug. Out of nowhere, I started losing weight, rapidly. To offset the loss, I tried to eat more, eat cleaner… that led to more blood, more pain, and more rushing to the bathroom every hour or two.
Our daughter was graduating from high school in two weeks and everybody was focused on the celebration. I wasn’t going to detract from the joy, so I just kept the worst of it to myself. I quickly stopped being able to sleep for more than an hour at a time. Pain made me afraid to lie down in bed, so I settled in on the recliner where I existed on chicken broth, occasional crackers or rice and gatorade.
And I made it to our daughter’s graduation – somehow – mostly out of pure determination and a stubborn need to not let it be known how weak I’d become.
Days later, I was in the hospital. I would be diagnosed with either Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s Disease. The onset of the disease was so severe that the only option the doctor offered was an intravenous infusion of specialty medications that required a complicated pre-approval process and admitting me to the hospital if I got any worse.
I returned to living in my recliner as I waited for the medications to take effect. My girlfriend (now my amazing wife) grabbed a mattress and moved into the living room with me. She spent all of her days and nights there, caring for me and being a fierce advocate with doctors and insurance companies. Honestly, I wouldn’t be alive, let alone thriving, without her as my partner on this journey.
Then one night as I lay there in my recliner, the pain just got to be too much, the state of my deterioration so severe that I just couldn’t sleep – at all.
For 72hrs, I didn’t sleep – not a single second. Death came to the room. We talked. For three straight days, me, and death. We didn’t argue, didn’t bargain or negotiate. We just both acknowledged what was happening.
Although I had faced death once before, this time was totally different. The first time was quite literally in a flash while serving my country, but I had signed up for that and knew going in that there was always the possibility that I wasn’t coming home.
But now, at 47yrs old, with an amazing life partner, two kids and a future just waiting, I had a much different mindset.
And right then and there I just decided, “No. Not yet. Not now.” She and I still have so much left to do together…”
By now, I’d faded into something that scared me when I looked in the mirror. After getting in shape and slimming intentionally from 190 to 170 over five months, in less than a month, I dropped to 120lbs. Every
bone in my ribcage showed through. I was pale and gaunt and could barely stand.
I’ll never forget the pain in Carrie’s eyes when I turned to her and said “I don’t have much time left. Without major medical intervention, I’m not going to make it.” Carrie immediately called the specialist and after some very direct words with hospital staff, I was having my first intravenous infusion of Remicade (a biologic to try to beat the disease into remission) and I was being wheeled into a room in the intensive care unit.
I would then be weeks of trying to battle the disease that was attacking me from inside to force it into remission. When that proved to be a losing battle, the goal was simply to stabilize me enough to be able to survive surgery.
There were serious challenges that included such high doses of prednisone that not only did I have the “charming” personality effects of those steroids and the insatiable appetite from it, I’d also grow a giant cyst in my jaw, and my teeth started to crack into pieces and fall out daily. I had such severe allergic reactions to the drugs that doctors for months thought I’d developed what they call drug-induced MS.
But my doctors saved me from near death with limited time to spare. I was now faced with the reality that surgeons were going to remove my entire large intestine. When I came out of the operating room, my surgeon said that my large intestine disintegrated in his hands as he took it out and that if we had waited another 24 or even 12 hours, it would have fully ruptured, leaving me septic and my survival in question.
To compensate for the loss of my large intestine, I would now have to learn to live with an ostomy – the end of my small intestine sticking out of the side of my stomach and redirecting waste into a pouch or an “ostomy bag”. My life was forever changed in a way you simply can’t prepare for.
There have been more than 20 surgeries since that time, most to treat the damage done by Crohn’s Disease, some to rebuild different parts of my jaw, and a few procedures from a misdiagnosis that nearly led to the full amputation of my leg.
It has been a roller-coaster to say the least and I wouldn’t be here without incredible doctors, my amazing wife, and some very good friends and mentors.
And as I shared at the beginning of this blog, I firmly believe we all have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.
My awakening was about to begin and while I didn’t have the words for it yet, in time they would become clear. I was going to make some significant changes and would become committed to Living Life All In.
Stay tuned for Blog # 3 where I’ll share how the journey began. The decisions I made to reclaim my life and how I became determined to take living life to a whole new level – from the way I loved & played to the way I worked… the way I now live each day. and hope to teach others to embrace.
Until next time… Live with purpose, live with intention and Live Life All In!
About Berrick Abramson:
Berrick Abramson is a business owner, executive coach and a strategist for business and government leaders across the U.S.. Berrick has served his country and community in and out of uniform and is a successful entrepreneur who created businesses in multiple sectors and helped shape, fund and grow dozens more. He has served as a consultant, negotiator and strategist advising senior government and business leaders across the country on some of the most complex issues they face. Driven by a commitment to help those willing to do the work accomplish what others say is impossible, he has mentored dozens of entrepreneurs, transitioning veterans, senior government and business leaders.
If you’re on social media, give the show a follow: @LivingAllIn on instagram and Living Life All In podcast on Facebook. You can also follow Berrick directly: @BerrickAbramson on Instagram and Facebook.